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Monthly Archives: February 2017

Attract Healthy Relationships

Another way unhealthy relationships begin is when we try to fill our own “void” – the emptiness that the inability to love ourselves leaves us with – with the feeling of being “loved” from someone else.

We expect that their love is enough. We feel that our new partner’s feelings for us will fill the void. It won’t. No matter how hard you try, that “void” will always come back to haunt you. So, how do you begin to even tackle an issue as large as life as not being able to love yourself? Awesome question.

First you need to figure out the first instance in your life when you felt you could not, or would not love yourself. Follow that up with other moments in time you felt that same way. If it was a result of someone else’s actions, behaviors, or words towards you – realize these two truths of human nature:

• People make the best choices available to them in the moment (we’re talking psychological here, not recognized consequences of actions), and

• Every behavior has a positive intention.

Second, you need to understand that it was no ones intention to make you feel un-lovable. Their actions, behaviors, and/or words were for them, not you.

What I mean is that they said or did those things to you because it gave them something they needed. They needed to feel power. They needed to belittle you to feel better about themselves. Sad, I know. But those people were acting on behalf of their own dysfunctional psychology. It had nothing to do with who you are as a person, and everything to do with who they were.

How, then, do we attract a healthy relationship? By loving ourselves first. The minute you begin to love yourself it will not only help you throughout your life and all of the challenges this life will entail, but you put love out into the universe. It can’t help but reciprocate. I know it sounds easier than it is. I hear you. We go through so many experiences in our lives that the walls around our hearts seem impossible to breach.

I would encourage you to do things that will allow you to connect with your true self again – meditation, start a journal, start a hobby, exercising, hiring a life coach, etc… With some faith and time, you will love yourself again – and a whole new world of love will open up – and smile.

About Believing in Others

Recently, and maybe this is due to years of living, I find that it is critical to believe in others and to let them know it loudly, clearly, and frequently. Although I realize that I am nervous about some of my decisions and wonder about what others might think or how they might react to my choices, I never really stopped to consider that I might depend on this feedback from others whom I respect to keep me motivated and plunging forward. I do not refer to sideline cheers and backslaps of encouragement, but rather that all-out faith that others exude and share as I move forward with life. I also do not mean accolades and public endorsement as I do not need these to keep myself focused and determined. Instead I am talking about people who note the little things – a poster I designed and the details contained on it, the plan I have laid out that includes minute guidance and direction, an idea that I have fielded with a request for input and participation. It is the trust and conviction that others place in me that allows me to forge onward with trust and conviction within myself.

With this acknowledgement of self-need, I am now working diligently to bring out confidence in others. I am amazed at how many successful men and women are also quivering and hesitant inside. For the purpose of brevity I will concentrate on my women friends as it is they who most often enlist my support or request my opinion. When you have raised a family, girls, you have participated in a unique challenge of love, loyalty, and discipline. All of these characters transfer to achievement in other areas. When you have maintained a career that you love and that inspires you, you have participated in a unique challenge of love, loyalty, and self-discipline. When you have raised children and worked outside of the home as well, you definitely possess powerful and valuable skills.

When you exercise you improve bodily functions. When you teach and share knowledge you expand your own potential. When you break down barriers and reconstruct paradigms, you increase your abilities. These are just a few ways that women change the world, themselves, and the lives they touch each day.

It Is So Hard to Move On

1. You are not ready to give up on the relationship you had thought was going great. There was a time that things were going great between the two of you and maybe it can be that way again. It can be normal to want to bring back those good feelings you had and maybe it is even possible. The thing is how can you ever make it happen?

2. Could you believe your ex still has feelings for you? You could be right, deep down inside them they could still care about you. But you have been getting the cold shoulder treatment after breaking up which means those feelings are buried deep. Over a period of time your ex will be dealing with their personal consequences of the break up and could ultimately move on. On the other hand your ex may find they still have love in their heart for you and want to rekindle the relationship.

3. You may think you are ready to move on with your life but you still have strong feelings towards your ex. You think there is still a chance to get back with them and want to make an effort to make it work. You may even be in the position that you think there is no chance you will ever get them back, but still hold out hope you can.

Healing and Forgiveness

Do be honest. This has to be the hardest thing. We either learn to see truthfully – which takes courageous and dignified humility – or we ought to give others permission to speak into our lives. The former is far more dignifying. But we need the latter, too.

Don’t add to the other side’s burden, or for that matter, anyone’s burden. Too often I made the issue about them and brought them into it. And at times I’ve drained people because of the bad vibes I felt I needed to express. Find a sounding board who wants to be a sounding board.

Do keep short account regarding who you speak to and what you say. We can’t trust everyone, and even some we think we can trust are not trustworthy. How naïve would you say you are? The more naïve we are the more cautious we need to be.

Don’t force transformations that aren’t there yet. Sometimes we try too hard to forgive and we just prove readier to become more hurt. We expose our vulnerability and we get slammed. Allow the temperature of the heart to rise gradually to meet the climate in the head. We cannot think our way into feeling differently – or not that quickly.

We are not ready to forgive until we are ready to love.